So I’m watching highlights from the other night, and I catch Bryce Harper getting tossed for arguing balls and strikes, not as noteworthy of an ejection as some of our managers from a previous blog (shameless plug), but nonetheless caught my eye because of the serious lettuce dude was sporting up top frolicking around as he was getting his monies worth. Now we all know Bryce is good for a hairstyle that is edgy, very show, and it’s even become a term of endearment to be labeled as the bro with “Harper Flow”.
The aforementioned dynamic teaser of a lead in, and yes he’s obviously in the lineup *spoiler alert*, got me thinking that it’s absolutely necessary to put together a “2016 All Lettuce Lineup”, and why the hell haven’t I done this sooner, be better and more ahead of the game than that Josh.
Here’s how it works: pretty self-explanatory, we’re going to pick a lineup with the best lettuce in the senior circuit currently. DH will be represented as a position to include, as well as one SP.
Let’s get after it, and breakdown some serious show flow and crown the “2016 All Lettuce Lineup”:
C – Buster Posey
Now I know what you’re thinking, Buster Posey, explain yourself, especially leading off with this pick; Well listen this was a bit of a tough call here, I mean we’ve seen some serious show cuts from Yadier and Sal Perez in the past, especially during All Star Games. However, it’s always nice for me to have a constant, consistent head of lettuce that just cements the backstop position, and that’s certainly what Buster does here. Dude seems like a big mousse guy, and I respect the hell out of that. I feel like he’s had the same hairstyle, or variation of the same cut for the majority of his preteen through present day years. Buster has to get the nod behind the dish out of shear consistency, which is exactly what the coaches/scouts/front office people look for in a franchise, World Champion backstop.
1B – Eric Hosmer
How ‘bout ya big fella? Just a World Series champ, getting mobbed at Biebs concerts, and absolutely living the dream in George Brett country, and put a scoop of sprinkles on the sundae by having the most swaggy of Mohawk fades in the game. I’m a huge Mohawk fade guy, it’s hot in the streets right now, it’s hot in the show, and then to throw a hard part in there, that’s like having cheat codes to your favorite video game. Play on playa, keep the mantis run alive, we need to see this flow during October.
2B – Robinson Cano
High and tight never looked so smooth. Not only can the Roc Nation Sports star make it look silky smooth in the field (and damn is that such a beautiful thing to watch night in and night out) but he makes it look too easy sporting that show flow. Yeah Yeah, call it a conservative pick, but I value the elegance of a good look, and quantify integrity and purpose of the hair style when qualifying candidates for this lineup. Robbie is doin the damn thing, and he should totally be a visor guy during early work at the yard.
3B – Josh Donaldson
We like to call this one a mortal lock at the hot corner. Does it get better than the lettuce that is on display from the reigning AL MVP? Long down the runway, little shaved undercut on the sides, and when a lid is thrown on top of the coconut, the warrior tail creeps out the back and on the neck perfectly ready to strike when a little get me over breaking ball is flipped in there by the opposing pitcher. Dude is just the epitome of professional salad, and this is a hands down winner, and if you differ, please present your case accordingly, I’d love to #EmbraceDebate. I’m going to step out on a limb here, and pencil him in as a “2017 Spring Training All Lettuce Team”, and you heard it here first. Keep doing your thing during the last month of a highly contest AL Central race, and don’t be afraid to wave a cap a bit more to give us a glimpse of what really puts asses in seats… The Flow!
SS – Brandon Crawford
Where do we begin here with B.Craw? I mean dude has such salad, I had to double picture it so that you could get the effect with, and without, the hat. Here’s the deal, the guy knows exactly what he’s doing, and the flowing locks just scream the top down, hair blowing, cruising in the convertible without a care in the world, just right out of a movie scene. I would say it’s fairly certain he has the art of the hand through the hair down to a complete science, 10/10.
OF – Bryce Harper
I covered the paragraph of text with a larger picture of the leading head of lettuce in the clubhouse. Life moves in Flow Motion for Bryce. That is the filet mignon of salads, not much else needs to be said.
OF – Josh Reddick
OF – Colby Rasmus
I’m a big long hair, outfield guy. I like to see the flow perpetuate from the helmet, or lid, and it’s a power move to everyone in the park that I’m in the show, and I’m completely self aware of the badassness that’s exuding from me. The outfielders didn’t need much said for themselves, the lettuce speaks in volumes (no pun intended, there is layers to that last statement).
P – Johnny Cueto
First and foremost, that’s just a great professional headshot from Mr. Cueto, I dig it! There were a lot of respectable candidates that I could’ve chosen from, but there’s a couple reasons why Cueto got the nod: I really like when he mixes up his delivery to the plate, and the dreads shimmy and shake with the delivery, it’s deceiving for at home watching the game, couldn’t even imagine being a hitter. I was also a huge Manny Ramirez guy back in the day, and I feel like Cueto is carrying on the baton of similar hairstyles, and that’s what eventually sold me, the ManRam affect.
DH – David Ortiz
We had to show some love in the DH spot to Big Papi during the farewell tour. Dude emulates baseball, what it’s about, and sports the freshest of cuts to arrive at the ballpark daily. His numbers and accolades don’t need any attention here, let’s just respect the greatness not only he was on the field, but for the lettuce he sports. …I need a playoff walk off this October after a fresh fade, and it just jabs the sporting world in the face a playoff show cut from Papi in his final Postseason run, we need this to happen.
Alright folks, there you have it, a complete breakdown of the Korked picks for “2016 All Lettuce Lineup”. As always, this is an open forum encouraged to drum up some good chalk talk. Let’s hear who you all got on your “2016 All Lettuce Lineup”!
- Josh Mason,